It’s Been Awhile

So I haven’t posted anything since June 2nd

Why? I have been unmotivated and uninspired.

Sometimes you get to a point where you just don’t think that you have anything interesting to say. That’s where I’ve been mentally.

Although this is my personal attitude, from a different lens I can see that this may not necessarily be reality.

What’s been going on since we last interacted:

My faith has been tested and strengthened. I have become more committed, involved and appreciative of my involvement with our church worship team. I have been able to hear God more clearly and speak to him more easily. When I sing I can really see that I am helping the people in the church to feel HIS love. I feel like this has been a contagious light in other areas of my life. My husband and I will be volunteering in the kids room at church and we might be fostering a dog who needs a home.

I have been through a lot of ups and downs at work. I have felt very accomplished and appreciated; which is GREAT! That came to an abrupt end when, once again, 2 teammates quit. This time, there is no intention of them being replaced and I have inherited A LOT of work. It was positioned to me that it is a “growth opportunity”. I’m not so sure that is an honest reality… I feel like the juice might not be worth the squeeze. Just feeling a little underappreciated lately.

I went on vacation with my husband, his family and some family friends. I was reminded that the water is my place of peace. I am able to relax when on the beach, near the ocean. This is so rare for me and I truly appreciated every moment. I need to find a way to incorporate this into my life, so that I’m not just relaxing once a year.

I saw racism first hand and it made me sick. I was driving in my hometown and an Indian woman realized that the lane she was in turned into a right turn only lane. She put on her left turn signal for someone to let her into my lane. The lady behind her was only delayed for 10 seconds but  proceeded to roll down her window, scream racist profanities, honk her horn, threaten her and looked at me like I was betraying her, as a fellow white person, to let this lady in. It was outrageous. I couldn’t believe that this happened in my sweet town. The next day I heard Trumps speech about the recent KKK events and I just felt so intolerant.  What is wrong with people? #RantOver

My husband got the sexiest tattoo on his ribs; a gorgeous portrait of a wolf. It was such a fun day! We not only visited his alma mater, I was able to watch Adam Sandler movies and drink in the tattoo parlor all day long. Amazing time!

I appreciated great company on multiple occasions! I had a cookout for my birthday in July – what a great turnout! I had a wine tasting party with all of my favorite ladies and we had a stellar time. I planned an extended family outing with my father-in-law’s side of the family. There was a great turn out and it reminded me how lucky I am to call them family!

I purchased a smaller motorcycle… Piglet was just too big and scary for me. I ended up with a small Suzuki, which I named Suzy. 🙂 She’s a blast!

I discovered Fresca. Yumm!

I realized that I am not a “true Cancer”. I’m not persistent, sensitive or emotional. I think I once was more closely aligned to these traits but I’ve evolved. I have lost my will power/high motivation in a lot of aspects of my life. The only place that I am still persistent is in my career. I am lazy in my personal life and unmotivated. I need to find wherever that is hiding deep down. In regard to the last two: I have thick skin and it takes a lot to really cause me to express emotions. I am always wearing a yellow, happy facade and you’d be hard-pressed to see anything else.

That about sums it up. Wish me luck on finding my own life interesting enough to share. It’s a strange battle of perception.

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Ageism

When people think of ageism they think of the elderly.

No one wants to work with the person who speaks technology as a “2nd language”.

With my tremendous amount of respect and empathy for those people – I have to shift the lense in another direction.

Being a young woman in a professional environment can be just as oppressive and limiting.

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If you look young, people will assume you can’t contribute much and won’t respect your ideas. You will be overlooked for promotions because you are still so “young in your career”. The quality of work that you bring to the table will always be secondary to how “ready” you look.

I have had managers tell me during promotion discussions that I shouldn’t be in a rush to get to the next level; I should appreciate where I’m at for my age.

I can tell you right now that I have goals and they don’t include being in line with the “standard”. Just because my boss wasn’t at X level until they were 30, it doesn’t mean that I should sit on cruise control until then.

Young women taking on leadership roles seems to rub people the wrong way. It comes off like they’re bitchy if they are pushing the boundaries and taking charge. Why? Is it not possible that someone in their mid-20’s can be smart enough to lead others in a better direction?

I have learned through experience that keeping your age private is essential. Among the other private things that are scrutinized for women – like plans for having a family or getting married (the big, red time-off flag is waving like crazy) this is just another thing to add to the list.

The worst part is when you see others who are sabotaging our image as a collective group. There are some young women who play up the “young card” and seek out unnecessary help and make excuses. If any of you are listening – you make me sick! Have self respect, never use that ditsy “charm” in the workplace, it’s pitiful.

I wonder how I will feel about someone in my position when I’m in my 30’s and 40’s. I hope I can keep these thoughts highlighted and help to influence things for the better.

Boredom

There’s something interesting about boredom, don’t you think?

For children, I can understand the concept because it is normal to desire constant entertainment; however, as adults you would think that times without activity would be cherished and considered relaxing. As you get older you will hear people talk about how they “have no plans this weekend” and are SO excited. Do you think those people get bored when they actually get in that situation?

I feel like I always have good intentions on relaxing during “down” periods but that never happens. As soon as things get slow I get anxious and want to fill my time with something productive…

Am I the only one?

When you’re on a plane for 4 hours, do you find that relaxing? I find it terribly boring. I’m a busy person and I’m constantly exhausted but calm, unfilled time like that is not attractive. In fact, there aren’t very many relaxing things that ARE attractive to me.

I love naps, that’s very peaceful to me. Especially when I can cuddle up with my husband or dog.  I also can handle any kind of pampering: nails, hair, massage, facial; without a sense of boredom taking place. Other than that though, I’m at a loss.

I’d rather deal with stress by utilizing my other time with fun activities. I want to get the most living out of my life and I feel regret when I pass up an opportunity to enjoy myself or make a good memory.

Living life this way is exhausting but hopefully I’ll look back and feel it’s been a life well lived.

Little Ones

So post-1 year anniversary the questions start rolling in: “when are you having kids?”

It’s funny how people associate marriage with babies, no matter how old your are or your life situation, it’s still expected.

We have had “that” conversation multiple times and it is generally the same outcome each time. We talked about having kids after being married for 2 years. We felt like that would give us time to travel, do fun things, save some money, get used to each other and make a better plan. After 1 year of marriage the 2 year mark seems so much closer than it originally did. It now feels like a race to do EVERYTHING we ever wanted to do before we are more “tied down”.

On a different note, our friends are starting to have families and that pushed us in the other direction. We know that we eventually want kids, so seeing all of these adorable bundles of joy come into the world gets us excited about our future munchkin. 🙂

Then there’s the anxiety that comes from the unknown. What if we have trouble getting pregnant and we’re waiting through our “prime” years? Are we really ready for that kind of commitment? Is our relationship solid enough that we can take the focus off of each other and put it onto someone else for the rest of our lives? The whole idea is full of grey areas.

I guess we’ll just have to see what feels right and go from there…

 

Off The Wagon

It’s a horrible feeling to know that you’ve made progress and then you’ve sabotaged yourself. As soon as work started getting crazy I started getting sucked back into bad habits again. Instead of prioritizing exercise and healthy eating I shifted to whatever was easiest – not healthy choices of course.

It’s sad because I feel like I was really building new habits and it only took a few weeks to totally destroy them. Now I’m going to have to begin again. How frustrating…

It’s the worst when you are disappointed in yourself. I was impressing myself left and right. My husband was impressed with my commitment and now I’ve let everyone down.

I want to start again but I want to be in the right mindset. Just diving in isn’t smart, I need to have a plan. How will I manage stress while also focusing on a healthy lifestyle? How can I come home and workout after having worked so hard all day long? It seems unrealistic at this moment but I know that I need to figure it out.

It’s amazing how these bad habits can affect everything. I feel slow, tired, unmotivated and depressed. My skin isn’t as clear, my sleep is poor quality and I generally just don’t feel good. It’s such a bad cycle. Since I don’t feel well, all I want is to rest (aka: be lazy) and emotional eat with my favorite food and wine.

Ugh!

Lost In The Confusion

I must admit – I am SO lost in the confusion of life right now.

From an emotional standpoint I’m unsure how I feel. I’ve had so much going on that I can’t even keep up with myself.

My husband and I bought new cars a few weeks ago. I am thrilled from an investment standpoint but I am beyond clueless on how to handle my husband’s feelings about the situation. He LOVED his previous car and decided to make the smart decision and sell it for the financial benefit that it would give us in the long run. I don’t know how to handle it. On one hand, I think that once you make a decision, difficult or not, there is no reason dwell, no reason to keep score and make others validate. On the other hand, I have ZERO experience with having an emotional attachment to a “thing” and therefore, I don’t feel like I have the right to have an opinion. I know that a part of marriage is blindly supporting your spouse when they need you, whether you understand the reason behind their feelings or not. So I’m in a weird spot with this situation. I am anxious, sad, and feeling proud all at once.

Also, our house remodel is essentially done. It has been in progress since January and now that it is over I feel a sense of emptiness. I complain about being busy but once I’m back to having free time again I realize that I hate it. I don’t know how to relax and I never have. I don’t enjoy relaxing and I would rather be constantly working towards something better for myself or someone else. Forward momentum is my addiction. It is exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting..my job has been NUTS. I went from being bored out of my mind to being a workhorse. On my 3 person team, 2 people have quit. Guess who gets all of their work? ME! I crave a challenge and I love being needed but this is taking “job security” to a whole new level. I have been commended on my value and performance on multiple occasions but I’m concerned that I won’t be able to keep up the quality if the quantity keeps rising. I want to impress and pave a path forward in my career. I don’t want to just work for the sake of working. I have certain career milestones in mind and for me to keep on track I need to really keep my nose to the grindstone and keep my reputation flawless. There is so much pressure on me from others and myself that sometimes it feels like it’s just not sustainable…

On a seemingly positive note,I just got back from an epically fun trip to Las Vegas with my best friend and, of course, the high of that kind of experience can only result in a drastic low. The comparison of “constant fun and entertainment” with “normal life” is disappointing to say the least. I just find myself wanting to do something else to keep things interesting but I’m at a loss of what that would be.

I’m all over the place and I just need some grounding. When will life regulate a little bit?

“I Do”

When you’ve experienced struggles and loss in your life alone, you know you are capable of being strong. You know that you are able to handle whatever life throws at you and that’s a great feeling. A better feeling is when you find a reliable person to support you through life. Someone that you know will always protect you and do things in your best interest. Someone you can be vulnerable with and not feel the need to “impress”.

Before my husband and I got married we’d been through multiple job layoffs, family death, friendship losses, long distance separation and spells of depression, anxiety and anger. We felt like we had been tested again and again and each time we found that we could always trust one another to be there and lend support and love. So we were confident that we were ready for a real commitment and marriage didn’t scare us.

We had a long engagement, 1.5 years, and we spent a year of this time living together in a house that we jointly purchased. During this time we also bought a dog together – it’s safe to say that we were pretty committed prior to our wedding day.

I utilized the long engagement to plan the wedding ahead of time so that there was no pressure as the day approached. My plan worked like a charm and I was able to avoid a lot of stress because of my organization and time-management.

The day of the rehearsal came and the expected, unexpected drama began. In the middle of the rehearsal dinner the venue manager called me to say that our tent provider was violating the rules of their agreement by causing damage to the property. I left the dinner and drove down to the site to get everything straightened out.  Things were resolved fairly quickly but my heartrate was a little high.

The rest of the rehearsal went well and my Matron of Honor came home with me for the evening to stay for support. After she went to sleep I was on the phone dealing with family drama until about midnight. My heartrate was up again, so I took a sleeping pill to get myself to bed.

I woke up and got my hair and makeup done. During my makeup session I got a call that my flowers were given to someone else! Luckily my in-laws were able to deal with this and get them back! To help me avoid a heart attack my wedding gift was passed along to me from my husband. It was a beautiful diamond bracelet to wear during the wedding, plus some amazing perfume! Gahh! He did very well!

I arrived at the wedding venue right behind my parents and was quickly presented with some homemade moonshine by my dad. What a guy!

I changed into my dress and strategically avoided my husband up until the ceremony began.

The ceremony was perfect. There was light rain up until it was my turn to walk down the aisle, then the skies cleared. The words of commitment from our pastor resonated with us and our vows brought many people of tears. We were beyond thrilled to face the crowd as Mr. and Mrs. when we were officially announced.

The reception was beyond fun! We danced so much and the time just completely flew by!

I was able to surprise my husband by singing the song for his Mother/Son dance with his best man playing the guitar and singing backup. It was very special and went off without a hitch.

We were both so sad when it came time for our last dance. We wanted to night to last forever!

Our best man drove us to our hotel and got us all settled, even ordering us pizza to soak up our alcohol! We tried to get to sleep quickly to prepare for our early 7am flight to Mexico.  It was very hard to wind down from a day like that; the perfect day.

This past year that we’ve been married certainly hasn’t been dull. We’ve had our share of good times and bad – as to be expected. I think that we have continued to learn better ways to problem solve in our relationship and have been able to get better at compromise. We have grown in many ways and have respect for the challenge that marriage is. We are most definitely up for the challenge!