Boredom

There’s something interesting about boredom, don’t you think?

For children, I can understand the concept because it is normal to desire constant entertainment; however, as adults you would think that times without activity would be cherished and considered relaxing. As you get older you will hear people talk about how they “have no plans this weekend” and are SO excited. Do you think those people get bored when they actually get in that situation?

I feel like I always have good intentions on relaxing during “down” periods but that never happens. As soon as things get slow I get anxious and want to fill my time with something productive…

Am I the only one?

When you’re on a plane for 4 hours, do you find that relaxing? I find it terribly boring. I’m a busy person and I’m constantly exhausted but calm, unfilled time like that is not attractive. In fact, there aren’t very many relaxing things that ARE attractive to me.

I love naps, that’s very peaceful to me. Especially when I can cuddle up with my husband or dog.  I also can handle any kind of pampering: nails, hair, massage, facial; without a sense of boredom taking place. Other than that though, I’m at a loss.

I’d rather deal with stress by utilizing my other time with fun activities. I want to get the most living out of my life and I feel regret when I pass up an opportunity to enjoy myself or make a good memory.

Living life this way is exhausting but hopefully I’ll look back and feel it’s been a life well lived.

Little Ones

So post-1 year anniversary the questions start rolling in: “when are you having kids?”

It’s funny how people associate marriage with babies, no matter how old your are or your life situation, it’s still expected.

We have had “that” conversation multiple times and it is generally the same outcome each time. We talked about having kids after being married for 2 years. We felt like that would give us time to travel, do fun things, save some money, get used to each other and make a better plan. After 1 year of marriage the 2 year mark seems so much closer than it originally did. It now feels like a race to do EVERYTHING we ever wanted to do before we are more “tied down”.

On a different note, our friends are starting to have families and that pushed us in the other direction. We know that we eventually want kids, so seeing all of these adorable bundles of joy come into the world gets us excited about our future munchkin. 🙂

Then there’s the anxiety that comes from the unknown. What if we have trouble getting pregnant and we’re waiting through our “prime” years? Are we really ready for that kind of commitment? Is our relationship solid enough that we can take the focus off of each other and put it onto someone else for the rest of our lives? The whole idea is full of grey areas.

I guess we’ll just have to see what feels right and go from there…

 

Off The Wagon

It’s a horrible feeling to know that you’ve made progress and then you’ve sabotaged yourself. As soon as work started getting crazy I started getting sucked back into bad habits again. Instead of prioritizing exercise and healthy eating I shifted to whatever was easiest – not healthy choices of course.

It’s sad because I feel like I was really building new habits and it only took a few weeks to totally destroy them. Now I’m going to have to begin again. How frustrating…

It’s the worst when you are disappointed in yourself. I was impressing myself left and right. My husband was impressed with my commitment and now I’ve let everyone down.

I want to start again but I want to be in the right mindset. Just diving in isn’t smart, I need to have a plan. How will I manage stress while also focusing on a healthy lifestyle? How can I come home and workout after having worked so hard all day long? It seems unrealistic at this moment but I know that I need to figure it out.

It’s amazing how these bad habits can affect everything. I feel slow, tired, unmotivated and depressed. My skin isn’t as clear, my sleep is poor quality and I generally just don’t feel good. It’s such a bad cycle. Since I don’t feel well, all I want is to rest (aka: be lazy) and emotional eat with my favorite food and wine.

Ugh!

Lost In The Confusion

I must admit – I am SO lost in the confusion of life right now.

From an emotional standpoint I’m unsure how I feel. I’ve had so much going on that I can’t even keep up with myself.

My husband and I bought new cars a few weeks ago. I am thrilled from an investment standpoint but I am beyond clueless on how to handle my husband’s feelings about the situation. He LOVED his previous car and decided to make the smart decision and sell it for the financial benefit that it would give us in the long run. I don’t know how to handle it. On one hand, I think that once you make a decision, difficult or not, there is no reason dwell, no reason to keep score and make others validate. On the other hand, I have ZERO experience with having an emotional attachment to a “thing” and therefore, I don’t feel like I have the right to have an opinion. I know that a part of marriage is blindly supporting your spouse when they need you, whether you understand the reason behind their feelings or not. So I’m in a weird spot with this situation. I am anxious, sad, and feeling proud all at once.

Also, our house remodel is essentially done. It has been in progress since January and now that it is over I feel a sense of emptiness. I complain about being busy but once I’m back to having free time again I realize that I hate it. I don’t know how to relax and I never have. I don’t enjoy relaxing and I would rather be constantly working towards something better for myself or someone else. Forward momentum is my addiction. It is exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting..my job has been NUTS. I went from being bored out of my mind to being a workhorse. On my 3 person team, 2 people have quit. Guess who gets all of their work? ME! I crave a challenge and I love being needed but this is taking “job security” to a whole new level. I have been commended on my value and performance on multiple occasions but I’m concerned that I won’t be able to keep up the quality if the quantity keeps rising. I want to impress and pave a path forward in my career. I don’t want to just work for the sake of working. I have certain career milestones in mind and for me to keep on track I need to really keep my nose to the grindstone and keep my reputation flawless. There is so much pressure on me from others and myself that sometimes it feels like it’s just not sustainable…

On a seemingly positive note,I just got back from an epically fun trip to Las Vegas with my best friend and, of course, the high of that kind of experience can only result in a drastic low. The comparison of “constant fun and entertainment” with “normal life” is disappointing to say the least. I just find myself wanting to do something else to keep things interesting but I’m at a loss of what that would be.

I’m all over the place and I just need some grounding. When will life regulate a little bit?

“I Do”

When you’ve experienced struggles and loss in your life alone, you know you are capable of being strong. You know that you are able to handle whatever life throws at you and that’s a great feeling. A better feeling is when you find a reliable person to support you through life. Someone that you know will always protect you and do things in your best interest. Someone you can be vulnerable with and not feel the need to “impress”.

Before my husband and I got married we’d been through multiple job layoffs, family death, friendship losses, long distance separation and spells of depression, anxiety and anger. We felt like we had been tested again and again and each time we found that we could always trust one another to be there and lend support and love. So we were confident that we were ready for a real commitment and marriage didn’t scare us.

We had a long engagement, 1.5 years, and we spent a year of this time living together in a house that we jointly purchased. During this time we also bought a dog together – it’s safe to say that we were pretty committed prior to our wedding day.

I utilized the long engagement to plan the wedding ahead of time so that there was no pressure as the day approached. My plan worked like a charm and I was able to avoid a lot of stress because of my organization and time-management.

The day of the rehearsal came and the expected, unexpected drama began. In the middle of the rehearsal dinner the venue manager called me to say that our tent provider was violating the rules of their agreement by causing damage to the property. I left the dinner and drove down to the site to get everything straightened out.  Things were resolved fairly quickly but my heartrate was a little high.

The rest of the rehearsal went well and my Matron of Honor came home with me for the evening to stay for support. After she went to sleep I was on the phone dealing with family drama until about midnight. My heartrate was up again, so I took a sleeping pill to get myself to bed.

I woke up and got my hair and makeup done. During my makeup session I got a call that my flowers were given to someone else! Luckily my in-laws were able to deal with this and get them back! To help me avoid a heart attack my wedding gift was passed along to me from my husband. It was a beautiful diamond bracelet to wear during the wedding, plus some amazing perfume! Gahh! He did very well!

I arrived at the wedding venue right behind my parents and was quickly presented with some homemade moonshine by my dad. What a guy!

I changed into my dress and strategically avoided my husband up until the ceremony began.

The ceremony was perfect. There was light rain up until it was my turn to walk down the aisle, then the skies cleared. The words of commitment from our pastor resonated with us and our vows brought many people of tears. We were beyond thrilled to face the crowd as Mr. and Mrs. when we were officially announced.

The reception was beyond fun! We danced so much and the time just completely flew by!

I was able to surprise my husband by singing the song for his Mother/Son dance with his best man playing the guitar and singing backup. It was very special and went off without a hitch.

We were both so sad when it came time for our last dance. We wanted to night to last forever!

Our best man drove us to our hotel and got us all settled, even ordering us pizza to soak up our alcohol! We tried to get to sleep quickly to prepare for our early 7am flight to Mexico.  It was very hard to wind down from a day like that; the perfect day.

This past year that we’ve been married certainly hasn’t been dull. We’ve had our share of good times and bad – as to be expected. I think that we have continued to learn better ways to problem solve in our relationship and have been able to get better at compromise. We have grown in many ways and have respect for the challenge that marriage is. We are most definitely up for the challenge!

Wisdom

So the cool thing about getting old is supposed to be getting wiser.

I was thinking about this today and trying to figure out if I’ve gained any wisdom yet…

Here are the few things that I could come up with:

  • When your nose is stuffy: if your boogers are green, you’re sick. If your boogers are clear, it’s allergies.
  • If you’re ever in the office and realize your shirt is wrinkled, get hot water out of the coffee machine and put the steamy cup under your shirt to use it like a steamer!
  • Always carry bandaids.
  • Don’t plan your life too far ahead; it’s never going to turn out how you plan it.
  • Appreciate your parents; you will eventually realize how much you are like them.
  • Don’t just love with your heart, love with your head. You need to be able to look at your own situation objectively.
  • Don’t be spiteful – it’s not worth that moment of vengeful happiness. You’ll be embarrassed by your behavior later.
  • Stop trying to act like you think people want you to act.
  • Lying to loved ones is a slippery slope. Just don’t start. Honesty and trust is sacred.

Thinking Back

I was just thinking back about where I’ve been mentally and where I’m at now.

It is always nice to recall back to the tougher times, to really appreciate where you are currently. I am drinking some ginger tea and it immediately reminds me of the anxiety that I felt at my previous job. I would drink my a cup of ginger tea every morning to calm my nervous stomach and prepare for the day. I was a must! Before I discovered that helpful ritual, I would have morning panic attacks and vomit. The smell of ginger instantly calms me and brings on a comforting feeling.

It’s crazy how our senses can make us think back to past experiences.

When I use the perfume that I wore on my wedding day it brings back fleeting feelings of excitement, joy and nerves! I don’t wear it often to preserve that special feeling; it is very overwhelming and amazing.

Every time I smell bleach or cleaners I think of my mom. I imagine her wiping off the kitchen counter or the bathrooms. She is always keeping things extra sanitary. This smell reminds me of my childhood.

I can smell real leather from a mile away. I worked at a shoe store for years and became super keen on being able to recognize the difference between faux and real leather. Every time I smell real leather it makes me think of my first really nice all leather purse; a purple, fringe Corso Como bag!

When I feel stale bread, that crunchy, air-dried feel; I think of the lake. As kids, my grandma would keep stale bread in a trash can in her garage for us to use to feed to the ducks. We would always beg to feed the ducks!

Regardless of whether the memories are good or bad, it’s nice to reminisce because the past makes us who we are today.